i don't get it.

So. Apparently the federal government is not going to buy my story that i'm physically and mentally fit to work as a Foreign Service Officer for the State Department. According to an e-mail I received last night, it's looking very unlikely that I will be granted my medical clearance for work.

This means that the job offer I got back in May w/ the Foreign Service is for all intents and purposes, "void."  Without a medical clearance, I can't work for them. Period.

So. I have no job offers, no career prospects, nothing, as I approach the thesis defense in a little under 3 weeks. I'll be homeless in one week, living out of my suitcases in a friend's basement here in Bloomington until the defense, then who the hell knows. Back home to my parents' couch in WV, for however long that lasts.

I *knew* it, I *knew* it was too good to be true. and the worst part will be having to tell anyone that asks about how the whole Foreign Service process is going, that it's not anymore. no more job. nope. letting myself down, letting everyone else down. Follow up question? "Oh, well surely you've got some other offers on the way, right? Surely you've been applying to [insert a zillion different places here, including EPA, UN, EU, Department of Energy, Department of Agriculture, OECD, god knows what else], right? Surely you've got so many bright possibilities!"

My answer? nope. nothing. on the bright side -- i "can" bum off my parents for a place to stay in WV and food and laundry for the time being. that's it.


i feel like i've just let everyone down, and ME down, so much. and all because i am me, and yes, i had eating disorders and depression and shit, but i saw people for it, and i was honest about it all. and now it means i most likely will not, can not, work for the State Department.

fuck.

wonder how long it will be before people notice a new "userpic" and set up. i didn't even know you could change these things.

i am SO TIRED of feeling GUILTY and bitter and indignant about (almost) always being (almost) the only person who's always responsible for everything, always does everything they're "supposed to" and always, ALWAYS is the "responsible one," and hates everyone around her who blows shit off without giving a fuck or feeling guilty about it, and gets away with it. Tired of it! I know it's my fault for the "feeling guilty and bitter" part, that's all me and no one else. So why can't i make myself stop feeling guilty about stupid shit like this? Why can't I stop "should"-ing on myself?!?!? THIS IS MY FUCKING LAST SUMMER IN BLOOMINGTON, and I am ALWAYS UNDER STRESS WITH WORK AND THESIS AND CRAP AND if i want to have dinner with CLOSE GOOD FRIENDS one evening instead of sitting in on an "Obligation" dinner with staff that i will see 24-7 for some crap program I got roped into helping out for at work -- then can't i?!? i will! and don't you try to make me feel guilty about it!!

*sigh*

i am so out of whack, my perspective is so out of balance and none of this shit matters in the big picture. but it, along  with all these other crap things i feel guilty and responsible for, i can't let go. god!

my boss says:

"all you need to do is compartmentalize. like bill clinton. that's what kept him from totally ruining his presidency during the whole lewinsky thing. compartmentalize."

this = in response to my answer to her question of "How are you doing?" which was: "I am freaking out. I am always stressed because I can't think about anything else except for my thesis and the hoops I"m jumping through for the federal government's medical and security clearances."

i should just be super happy that i'm so close to the end of this wonderful journey that has been higher education, right?? i mean in the whole fucking scheme of things, i've barely got anything left, and then i'm THERE. but i'm so exhausted, being my only own cheerleader here to get it done, to feel like there's nothing keeping me going except me saying, "yeah sure, hopefully that medical clearance will come through, the federal government WON'T have a problem with your anorexia and cutting and burning, you'll pass!!" .... god that's exhausting.


and i have no hypothesis to keep my thesis going anymore. eff.

there is a bracelet around my left wrist that i just can not get off of my wrist on my own; i NEED help. i NEED someone else here to help me. the thread is so fine, the hole that the bead needs to go back through is so small, i can not manage it on my own.

i have been alone, all alone, all day at home working on f*#%&@ing likely useless foreign service paperwork, because i will most likely not pass the foreign service oral assessment

now after being here alone all day at home, all i want is one cup of coffee, or one ice cream, with SOMEone. of course i could go get fucking coffee or ice cream alone if i just wanted the fucking coffee or ice cream, but that's not the point. just one fucking coffee or ice cream.

there is no one. no one is free for coffee or ice cream. and i sit here alone with a bracelet around my left wrist that i cannot take off.


if you don't get why and how these things fit together, you just don't get it.

MEN. ARE. IDIOTS.

what the fuck?!?!?!

there are SO many reasons this past 9 days for me to lose faith in the male sex .... WTF???

i hate valentines day!!!!

god damn it!

Bold the stuff you've done.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it ( i mean clearly to my family and closest friends. does that still count?)
09.Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa -
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn't care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all states/territories/whatever in your country
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Got erased
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign -
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero – like Keri, when I was a little kid, of course.
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie – Happy Birthday!!
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days -
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an "expert"
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music – does taping myself playing piano and clarinet count?
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship -
94. Spoken more than one language fluently – umm, English and German??
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived -
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds – over the entire course of my life? Definitely. Of course not at once.
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone.
114. Gone on a photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery -
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school - umm i think i'm cheating on this one. I only had two hiatuses, each a few months. but oh well.
131. Para-sailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions – I haven’t been to one yet. But there’s only BEEN one, I think.
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Total: 52. Or 62. I lost track of a 10-set somewhere.

..... in other news. Huh. Do I be patient and just let things develop the way they will, however the fuck that is? Even though I am about the least patient/most impatient person I know? Or do I tell someone how I (think I) feel about them, at the craziest, busiest, most distracted time of the year, so at least I'll fucking know one way or another if it's even worth it to keep (thinking I) feel that way?

Sigh. Time's going by and I'm still marking it.

And why can't i think about other things instead? like, how i'm very grateful to get to go to NYC for the Bosch Fellowship selection round of interviews? And that I passed my foreign service written exam? and how many amazing AMAZING friends i have?

:-/

"But I wonder if … or at least I picture it kind of like …
You feel like co-conspirators against the world, or with the world, or whatever – point is in the end you’ve got each other and you can do whatever you want with that power and that feeling, if you really wanted to. And despite how much I long for this kind of sappy romantic shit, realistically I always knew it would never happen with Andy Who, with Sergio, with George. And I know of course that will never happen with Hot Thomas either. RJ says I put too much stake into the whole idea (but he doesn’t believe in romantic love anyways), and I say he’s at least part right. But then I look around me, and I see it. I swear to god I do, or I see something beautiful there that I’ve never known, never. ..."

... Yes.

I am really trying hard to keep rational, logical, normal, about this. I should. Knowing me, it will blow up in my face.

But still....

Fuck. This is actually how I feel now, but who is to say that he's not just totally seeing things from a friends only perspective?? I bet that's the case, but I really can not tell. Completely not. Because I suck at signals.

*EDIT: I wrote that when drunk. But now that I'm sober I reread it, and it's still legit. And I feel like an idiot for getting drunk on a Tuesday, but oh well.*

Comment and I will....

a) Tell you why I friended you.
b) Associate you with something -- a fandom, song, color, photo, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you.
d) Tell you a memory I have of you.
e) Ask you something I've wanted to know about you.
f) In return, you need to post this on your own LJ.

also i really like that other meme with all the "tough questions" but i don't know how to hide and cut the text or whatever that is called. otherwise i'd do that too, but it will get long here.

i am so fucking tired of everything. this semester sucks. i am so fucking unhappy. why do i always have to be the one responsible for EVERYthing, and why am i so alone, and why don't i have anyone i can depend on? being independent and propping myself up all the time is so fucking exhausting.

i feel like an awful person right now. and so so lonely. a simple hug would have sufficed. i NEED to be able to let out my feelings, i NEED to, and i made an embarassing fool out of myself in front of my poor landlady this evening god i am so tired and everything had been going so well before today. and fuck.

i needed to just cry!! don't stand there and say "you need to calm down, just a good nite's sleep is what you need," of COURSE i know that crying inconsolably will not solve a problem!! just LET ME DO IT and get out of my system! god damn it!

why do i fuck everything up?!

Maybe this is brought on by a rash of weddings among friends this summer … and/or seeing happy couples pretty much everywhere I wander around berlin, taking in the sights as raptured tourists, or on their way to or from work together sharing their day’s events with each other … point is, people together. And not just groups of friends (although I’d gladly take that right now too) am I missing – it’s that couple-ness. This has put me in a philosophical mood, and at first while I was watching a street concert downtown it was more of a calm zen-ish take it for what it is philosophical mood. Now it’s a more depressed, lonely one. But regardless.
I’m not talking about friends, good friends, great friends, best friends. For the millionth time, I do realize how lucky I am to have so many close wonderful giving lovely amazing people around me, and people who care about me and people I can share so much with. And for the millionth time of course I am so grateful for them, in West Virginia and DC and Massachusetts and Indiana and Illinois and Michigan and Germany and increasingly all over, wherever they are. Of course I love them. For the millionth time, that is not what I am talking about here … and that is not what I can’t help longing for and what I get too easily depressed over. I’m talking about this couple-ness, mutual and romantic and real love that in my warped, very very warped perception of things I imagine must feel, at least at times, wonderful. But I wouldn’t know. And that makes me sad. But I wonder if … or at least I picture it kind of like …
You feel like co-conspirators against the world, or with the world, or whatever – point is in the end you’ve got each other and you can do whatever you want with that power and that feeling, if you really wanted to. And despite how much I long for this kind of sappy romantic shit, realistically I always knew it would never happen with Andy Who, with Sergio, with George. And I know of course that will never happen with Hot Thomas either. RJ says I put too much stake into the whole idea (but he doesn’t believe in romantic love anyways), and I say he’s at least part right. But then I look around me, and I see it. I swear to god I do, or I see something beautiful there that I’ve never known, never.

Ironically enough, the closest I’ve ever come to this “co-conspirators against the world, everyone else be damned” feeling with someone is RJ – except of course for the fact that our relationship always has been and always will be platonic. Even if we do find ourselves both still single at age 40 and go through with our marriage plans … it’s still not that same idealized image of love I have in my head. And I don’t care, I still want to believe it exists, I really think it does.

I’ve lost steam. Ok enough of that. In other news I have gone 7 days now without an alcoholic drink … and I am proud of that. Although it hurts at the same time, since that is apparently the main reason that my security clearance never came through – I was branded an alcoholic by someone, or someones, during the process. Wonderful. And this feeling of failure and idiocy and complete letting-down-my-family-and-SPEA-and-myself is something else entirely that I would rather not get into any more here, although I carry it with me everywhere I go here and am reminded almost every minute of the day how different this summer was supposed to be, working at the Embassy since mid-May and earning a great experience and fucking resume building and networking and meeting other people at the Embassy and on and on and on. … Being denied the security clearance is completely my own fault, and I have fucking shot myself in the foot because apparently I am an alcoholic for real. And *now* is the time I go a week without a drink, without even wanting a drink. … Fuck.

Whatever. Berlin really is gorgeous and I will always love this city no matter what and I am determined that this entire summer will not end up like 2005. But I still hurt in other places, for other reasons, and that all just came pouring out now. oh well, makes up for not writing here for a long long time I suppose. Despite this, i will make dinner and then take a train into the city, i think, and watch the sun set from/on/near my favorite bridge in Berlin. and this will be something.

scratch another thing off of my to-do list for the year :-)

yay ...

:-)

well fuck, i just did it :-)

now let's see what the fallout is like ...

i'm bleeding a lot. it hurts. my knee won't stop bleeding. whatever.

the end.

what the fuck am i fucking up? i don't get it anymore. what is so fucking wrong with me?

two things starting now:

1. no more smoking. just threw my half-full pack away. i've tried this before, so i'll try it again. no specific reason; why not choose today.

2. every week i'll have more days when i don't drink than when i do. that sounds ridiculous, that i even have to put it that way, but I can't remember the last week i had when that was the case. Wait, yes I can -- the hospital last summer in Berlin. and that's obvious. there's no reason to spend so much money and take in so many calories that way. i hope i really am not developing alcoholic tendencies like my mother tends to believe, but even without what she said saturday night -- I know, I've got to cut down how much i drink. i'm tired of being the "booze hound" of the group.


hopefully putting this here will help me stick to it.

more later. i actually planned to write something totally different last night! oh well.

If y'all aren't tired of it by now, ID the quotes. I'll just put 10 because I don't know how to do the "cut" thing.

I'll be really impressed if all of these get guessed correctly. Challenge! ooooooo.

1. "Look at the sky now. What color is it? Or the way a hawk flies. Or you wake up and your ribs are bruised thinking so hard on somebody. What do you call that?"

2. "Fifteen!"

3."Mother, just because I wear trackies and play sports does not make me a lesbian!"

4. "Now, just because someone sees, you know, two naked people asleep in bed together, it doesn't necessarily prove sex was involved. It does, however, make for a very strong case."

5. "Are the other folks cows chewing cud until the hour comes when their heads roll? Or are they just keeping quiet like you, planning their escape?"

6. "I'm voting for Dukakis." (I could TOTALLY quote this entire movie, I love them all! But I'm thinking this is more of a challenge...?)

7. -- > "Christ. When I was in flares, you were in nappies. --> "My nappies were flared."

8. "I'm not obsessing...I'm just curious."

9. "When I rub my left eyebrow, it means I love you."

10. "You're sleeping on your feet like a horse. My mama used to say that to me when I was little."

i am SO. RUN. DOWN. mentally, physically, emotionally, everything-ly. all i feel is run-down and tense, like, almost all the time. at least since the last time i posted here, nearly a month ago now.

i did NOT sign up for this. i've done the grad school thing before, and i know i bitched about it back then too, but ... this semester blows that away. and not in a good way. now i'm not talking about not being grateful for good things like peasant disco, mail order brides, chocolate prom, super bowl, "atonement," rachel's birthday, just whatever decent time i get with my amazing friends here and talking to my amazing WV friends there and stuff like that. no. i'm talking about the feeling that i'm constantly drowning in 17,000 little details for START-EMA-IPAA-summer internship-trying to find money to do summer internship and go to SPEA without taking out tons and tons in loans. i hardly ever feel like i'm actually STUDYING, and when i do, it often feels scarily un-productive and sub-par.

what the fuck am i in grad school for, anyway?!?!?

and this whole time the nagging feeling that it would all be at least a little easier to swallow and to handle with "someone" to make it through with...that feeling won't go away. it never goes away. no matter how much rational argument RJ has against it. it just never does, for me.

and the fact that tomorrow, hearts and red and flowers and love and all that shit will be plastered everywhere does not improve my mood. despite the front i put up for things like black thursday, "oooh yeah who gives a fuck if i'm single?! not me!" blah blah blah. that's of course so not true. *i* give a fuck that i'm still, STILL, ALWAYS single.

*sigh*

LET'S GOOOOOOOOO MOUNTAINEERS!!!!

KICKOFF IN JUST A FEW MINUTES!!!!!

I LOVE MY MOUNTAINEERS!!!!

...in other news, I had a mini-revelation or two on New Year's Eve/midnight, and enjoyed burning up all the regrets and negatives from 2007 so we could just get rid of them and start afresh for 2008. And stuff. This break has been extremely unproductive but with lots of movie watching and RJ, Melisa and Keri time so that's good.

...maybe more later this week. Hmmm.

For now = GOOOOOOOOOO WVU!!!!!!!!!!!! KICK OKLAHOMA ASS!!!!

“If I needed you, would you come to me,
would you come to me, and ease my pain?
If you needed me I would come to you
I'd swim the seas for to ease your pain.

In the night forlorn the morning's born
and the morning shines with the lights of love.
You will miss sunrise if you close your eyes
that would break my heart in two.”


...

of course i'm an idiot and that won't happen, no matter how many amazing dreams i might have. i mean, if our entire conversation is based on only what I ask HIM, and HE doesn't bother asking anything back, but instead just answers, isn't that a clear sign that he doesn't really care, or ... what?

...